29/6/23

it's been a while! entirely by accident, i swear. every day that goes by i feel increasing dread build up in my system at the fact that my holidays are nearing their end and i haven't really done anything. i abate this by listening to the disco elysium soundtrack (especially Whirling-in-Rags, 8 AM) until i feel better.

here's a little thought that i was going to send to a friend but decided against: i've worked out that i have a slight aversion to physical contact. physical touch is also still my love language (pick a struggle fr. nerfed by god). i think it can very easily overwhelm me in situations with lots of sensory input and is often the only thing i can actually control (can stop someone from touching me, can't turn off the sun or make everyone ever shut up).

since i've last uploaded one of these i've become newly obsessed with across the spider-verse. i really want a little miguel funko pop. the one where he's on all fours (?). i feel kind of basic for liking him but at the same time i will defend his dorito ass until i beat the haters into submission !! also hobie is cool. full review hopefully coming soon.

i have a long car trip today and a bunch of free time this afternoon so i'm going to try and finish all the half-finished articles i have in my notion and post them.

i'm listening to the disco album right now and god Detective Arriving on the Scene is also VERY good. the entire soundtrack for this... ANOTHER THING TO WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT

here's a short list...
- disco elysium shrine (? or just a boring old article hub -- no but i have so many cool ideas for a shrine for this now. maybe i'll try writing some disco dialogue.)
- disco elysium review article
- why do people hate zero by newjeans?
- le sserafim's unforgiven and the '3-concept model'
- across the spiderverse review
- new theme.

most of these are half-written or nearly finished. hmmm.

12/6/23

my mother is a sad old woman.

that’s partly why! i figured out why i have this fear of saying the wrong thing (see eloquent.txt). it’s because she nitpicks the things that i say. if i use the wrong word - if i haven’t fully elucidated my idea in full before trying to start a conversation about it, she picks it apart rather than trying to understand what i mean. she doesn’t like it when people are wrong.

the only reason i realised is because i caught her in the middle of doing it the other day, and it clicked. i hadn’t even noticed it before. sort of makes me wonder what else she does to me that i don’t notice.

i’m writing this to procrastinate doing my actual writing, so i’m just going to upload it and stop.

update: oh my god. i know what i want to do! i really extremely desperately want to be a part of (at some point) the writing team for a genshin zine. i want to do that. i need a portfolio though and i never finish my works... so maybe this will be motivation to do that for once. like i need to get my grubby mitts on an 4ggravate fanzine (in a creatorly way not a purchaserly way) im foaming at the mouth.

8/6/23

home is not only where the heart is; it is where you are not.

5/6/23

turns out i DID need the doctor's certificate. holy fuck man. finished my assignment at 11:30, due at 11:59, and tried to export it as a PDF and figma crashed multiple times and wouldn't let me export. clock ticked over to 12:01. my uni has a zero late assignment policy so any submissions past the due date are an automatic zero fail... BUT i can apply for extensions retrospectively so let's just hope they accept my doctor's certificate. in the end i had to export each slide individually, compress them all individually, stitch them all together, and then compress it again. i think i would actually be fucked without an adobe subscription.

this all happened last night, it was due last night. i didn't know that i could submit an extension after the fact so i literally bawled my eyes out for an hour before getting my shit together.

i finished my other assignment today though so i'm officially done. horribly emotionally-taxing end to the semester. i just want to crawl into my bed and die but i have taekwondo tonight.

2/6/23

turns out i didn't need the doctor's certificate! i'm pretty confident i'm gonna get everything done in time now. last night i blacked out and woke up 4 hours later with a fully-written 12-page IT project write-up. feeling pretty good about that. it was not only coherent, but actually pretty well-written, so. yay i guess!

my first semester of uni is (almost) over. i had my last class today. it's weird to think about, considering i've spent almost my entire life thinking about what it would be like to be an *adult*. and do *adult* things. i'm allowed to go wherever i want now (within reason). autonomy is strange. saying i don't like it is a lie, but it's also bittersweet. TIRED ass commentary, jesus. of course you're sad about being old boo hoo get over it.

a friend suggested today that (given my wrought history with the latter) she thought i would be better suited to forums instead of debating. i didn't know what forums really were, but it's like a chill debate where nobody loses and you don't have to do rebuttal. for context, i'm hilariously bad at rebuttal. great at public speaking, bad at making shit up. like really bad. a certain unnamed disaster happened during grade 9 debating wherein i said something that was ethically terrible that i of course did not mean but said because i was nervous. almost threw up after from anxiety haha. forums sound fun though. i have lots of thoughts! lots of analysis. i just prefer writing them down, first, instead of talking out loud about them... i feel like i'm not very succinct. like i can be very intellectual when i have about five minutes to ruminate on a point but put me under pressure and i go full lobotomycore.

completely unrelated: period hormones make me so mad at men. like i get so angry! and i feel kinda bad for the men that i live with (father figures) because they aren't doing anything to deserve my ranting at them lmao i'm just angry at the injustice !!!! of being born female. literally i walked out of the bathroom on campus the other day and was in the hallway and this guy almost walked into me and he apologized and moved on. and i was just FUMING like 'this guy thinks he's so entitled to the HALLWAY because he's a MAN go FUCK YOURSELF' like GIRL PLEASE ;-; i mean i have a point in that men feel entitled to take up space physically and ignore women in public spaces but being so mad all the time is definitely not helping me akhsgfjag

28/5/23

if you've seen my statuses from the past week (delusional enough to think ppl are paying attention to me) you will know i am SICKKK. it's not that bad compared to usual, went to the doctor (and forgot to get a doctor's certificate!!!!) and she said it was pharyngitis. thank god it's not my tonsils for once (chronic tonsillitis haver)! my nose has been going at it all day.

i'm currently working on a enhypen comeback review so that'll be out soon! also i have been procrastinating doing all my work and now it's all due this week so i'm fucked. need that doctor's cert so bad.

22/5/23

i NEED to get my reviews page skeletons done because i am itching to write about disco elyisum. i'm going to hold back for now but there is some juicy writing analysis hopefully on the way.

i think writing javascript is a very ego-stroking exercise for me. maybe i'm being too harsh on myself. the first wolf (ego-stroker) says that it reinforces my perception of myself as a genius because it allows me to flex my problem-solving skills. the other (kinder) wolf says that problem-solving is hard to do - it's hard to fail so many times and keep picking yourself up, and it's something i actually used to struggle with quite a lot. so i should enjoy now being able to force myself through (most) impossible problems. of course there's still a wall that you hit eventually, but even then i don't give up like i used to. it's nice.

i am slightly worried this introspection will drive me insane. it can't be bad? right? people advise other people to keep diaries and the like. i just feel like i'll tear myself to shreds. the problem then isn't the diary itself but my usage of the medium as an opportunity to self-critique. maybe i should do some gratitude things.

things i am grateful for that happened today:
i played disco elysium for like 6 hours and it was GREAT.
my step-dad made me a smoothie.
someone at my dad's house made my bed while i was away and tucked my cinnamoroll plushie in like he was sleeping.

also now if you look at the log titles in reverse order it says jack wolf like jack wolfe the actor who plays wylan in shadow and bone. babygirl.

19/5/23

this is my first time writing code in neocities' editor haha i'm getting lazy :P

today i walked around the city like a lot, i think it ended up being about 4kms. i feel all sweaty and gross lmao but i was procrastinating doing work. i had my tutorial today where [[FRIEND]] and i were working on our project and i was writing the javascript for the webpage and everything was going great and then at the LAST MINUTE i added something that broke the whole thing and i realized i'd written it all wrong and had to start all over again. so i've been procrastinating starting all over again because i really hate writing pseudocode and i know i'm going to have to do that for this because i cannot wrap my head around it.

a continuation from an earlier log: i really need to break the habit of being afraid to write/act too 'silly'. no better word is coming to mind. i really want people to take me seriously and i think i just have to let go of that. i think i have a problem with wanting to fit in with specific subcultures/groups of people, but i'm more of a jack of all trades than a master of one - i have a bunch of interests, and i'm not super deep into any of them. maybe i'm just sick of male geeks trying to make me feel out of my depth because i don't know the circumference of harley quinn's left titty.

16/5/23

looking back on it now with a good six months (? six months? jesus christ) of distance under my belt, my high school was a pretty awfully homophobic place. it was also an all girls school, and i was also a late bloomer in terms of looks slash still am.

it’s super, *super* weird being considered ‘hot’ now. like, people have crushes on me. when i meet them. guys, men, actual MALE PEOPLE are asking for my snap. i don’t even have snapchat. what the fuck. what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

the other day (i say the other day but it was probably like two months ago now actually) like three gay ass women stopped me to tell me i was “so pretty” or that they liked my outfit. the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

i was this nerdy little autistic-adjacent thing with like horrible square glasses and a blackhead problem and that’s still who i am in my head.

let me just backtrack a bit and say that i don’t think i had the glow up of all glow ups lmao i still look like a rat. but it’s strange to go from being the social equivalent of the cheese touch to being perceived. i can’t handle it. especially not with the aromantic struggle. just leave me be oh my god. get me a rizzstraining order because . i didn’t have an end to that joke planned.

i don’t know why it’s so bewildering (?). i always thought i was pretty, i guess. i don’t know if it makes me uncomfortable, either? i don’t know why i’m complaining. it’s nice. just weird. i feel like i’m out of my depth. also not knowing whether people actually like me as a person or whether they just think i’m hot sucks. having sudden pretty privilege is strange… i haven’t noticed it massively the past month because it’s winter so i’m not dressing as femme or pretty as i usually do, but like. idk.

where was i going with this.

3/4/23

i think that i’m a sinner in the same way that everyone else does. i also really think it might be true (just like everyone else).

1/4/23

i often wish to be more eloquent - expanding my vocabulary is slash was a goal of mine at the start of '23. here are possible reasons behind this.

1. self-consciousness of my writing style. i feel as if simple equals bad and that i should try for purple prose because that is what i enjoy reading the most.

a. this is a lie. i don’t enjoy reading purple prose the most - i enjoy the challenge of reading it and the feeling of superiority it gives me.

2. leading on from the previous point a: god complex. i’m not sure it’s that serious of a problem for me, but being (or being measured to be) conventionally smart has made me a lot more egotistic. i want other people to think i’m smart, so i want to sound smart.

3. misogyny. not being taken seriously as a woman (slash woman-adjacent person) makes me want to die. my ideas have as much value as the next random wanker. the ridiculing of teenage girlisms and slang - “like” - makes it impossible for ideas to be taken seriously unless all emotion, all passion, is taken out of my sentences. i cannot be hysterical, or seem young and stupid.

conclusion: when i think about my writing out of context, i like my style. i like the fact that i can switch between verbosity and “wanker” in the same sentence, although i’m not sure what to do with contractions yet.

i‘m on the train again and i kinda need to pee but i could not for the life of me find the bathroom at the station before so i’m just gonna hold it until i get to school.

31/3/23

“Then (a beloved, anguished soul tells me) we are in Heaven and God suffers on earth.” (Léon Bloy, 1904 - from Jorge Luis Borges’ the Mirrors of Enigma)

23/3/23

i had a dream:

some fucked up activities in a house that i don’t remember. dad was there.

i left the house and got on the train that i always catch. i was in my pyjamas. the driver was talking to a higher-up who had called the train after seeing it deviate from its track: he explains that while this train does go on that track, he also takes occasional detours to drop people off for gatherings, parties, and the like. the higher-up man laughed.

i started tracking where we were going on google maps. something else may have happened here that i don’t remember. i get off the train reluctantly at a suburb south-west of [[MY SUBURB]].

it’s that place with the river that you can’t cross, or the electric fence. there’s a maintenance worker actually replacing the fence: i make a deal with him that i’ll “test” the design of the fence and if i make it through, he lets all of us through ([[SISTER]] and [[BROTHER]] are there). i crawl under the wire, shuffling along the ground on my back. it’s bent in a wave tunnel-like shape. i actually brush against the metal a couple times but it doesn’t do anything.

i reach the end, but i forget that i’m under the wire and accidentally pull it out with me. it takes me a while and my foot in constant contact with it; it’s very painful and leaves my foot numb and shaking with excess electricity, but it doesn’t travel anywhere in my body or harm me permanently.

the worker congratulates me, and then tells me i win a prize (instead of being allowed passage through). [[SISTER]] is like “I told you we should have checked what we were winning!” now there is a roller coaster-like sign above the wire saying that you could win something if you try and get through.

there is also now a maze (labyrinth), completely blank (borges’ ariadne-esque). it looks like it leads you out beyond the electric fence. i deliberate over different methods of getting through the maze - breadcrumb trail, mapmaking, mnemonic memorisation - but get hung up on the thought that all of these would somehow be cheating. i didn’t want to be bested yet again in electric fence maintenance guy’s battle of logic.

i deliberated on this so for long that i woke up.

i think i’m so special for having lucid dreams. maybe what i’m experiencing isn’t even “lucid”. how can you truly classify something inside your head?

but i think like that about all my afflictions and mental happenings. it’s like the rational half of me believes that i’m over-dramatic and what i’m feeling is ‘normal’, but then there’s always a suspicion that i am not feeling normally and that it is weird.

i know things hurt more for me. i’m more sensitive. i don’t think that means i should discount my pain or denigrate my experiences. but i also can’t live life like i’m in constant pain. at some point you have to just fucking suck it up.

with lucid dreams: i am pretty sure that they are lucid. i have dreams that aren’t. in those i’m not exactly unaware that i’m dreaming - more like it’s of no consequence to me. in lucid dreams i can change the dream, repeat parts, use knowledge of past dreams to change the current one, etc.

maybe this is going to give me a god complex. maybe i’m behind the zahir.

21/3/23

picked the literal WORST train to illegally bring an iced coffee on. fancy as hell, and two officers came over to check my go card. either they saw my drink hiding behind my bag and took pity on me, or i’m just better.

been consuming a lot of content lately. i feel like i’m in between hobbies. i’ve abandoned moodboarding but i can’t start writing again. lain will fill the void (lie).

i don’t know how to get my empty coffee cup OFF the train. like the station better be empty or busy as hell so that nobody sees it. if i leave it on the train i’m going to hell and if i put it in my backpack then i’m condemning my books and chargers to watery death.

i wonder what the difference in my head is between making things for the sake of creating and making *content*. is external validation the only reason i like creating things? i want to say no - there are things i create that are only for myself. but then again there’s the perceiver in the head, the man inside, etc. am i creating things made to be watched, read, experienced by other people? i’m assuming that’s a bad thing, but is that not the purpose of creation? maybe i just want something for myself. but then it’s still about other people - it exists in the absence of being perceived by others, but it’s still influenced by that context, that possibility of being viewed.

jesus. example: horrible smut that will never ever see the light of day. removing it from the context of being read by others is impossible, because grammar and writing was invented to be able to be read. i’m never going to show it to anyone - so why am i writing it? why not just keep it in my head?
a. for practice writing,
b. as a memory aid,
c. to create something more vivid.

i just have a negative reaction to the idea of everything i do being for others. i think this is because of anti-capitalist sentiments and my rejection of “the grind”.

idk. there’s no summary of this yet as my thoughts are too scattered. something to think about though. at the moment i’m enjoying consuming rather than creating, and despite the ethical (?) discomfort that brings me i’m going to settle into it until my brain starts begging for change.

assessment has crept up on me again. i need to do something drastic about my empty monday because it is destroying my work ethic. i don’t want to commute, but if i stay at home i get nothing done. options:

1. [[STRAWBERRY]] library. pros: probably can get someone to drive me, open, not too busy(?). cons: creepy, small, i do not actually know where it is
2. [[BLUEBERRY]] library. pros: perfect. cons: COMMUTE
3. [[ORANGE]] cafe. pros: food, no commute. cons: feel awkward talking to boss and colleagues on day off (why??), spend money, only stay for a little while, have to ask for wifi password (stop being a baby)

[[STRAWBERRY]] library is the winner so far.